Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when the “R” word is on everyone’s lips. You know the one. The one that leads us to make new promises, fresh starts, and renewed intentions. But what if, instead of focusing on the promises we want to make, we paused to examine the promises we’ve been breaking?

In our intimate relationships, unkept promises - not just the grand commitments we declare with flourish but the smaller, quieter ones we utter, too – are often the silent fissures that weaken connection, erode trust, and dampen intimacy.

Why Broken Promises Matter in Relationships

Promises, both spoken and unspoken, form the backbone of relational trust. When a partner says, “I’ll always be here for you,” or “I’ll work on being more present,” it sets an expectation. Over time, failing to meet those expectations can lead to resentment, disappointment, and emotional distance.

Consider these common examples of broken promises in relationships:

1. I’ll make more time for us.

But work, kids, or scrolling consistently take precedence.

2. I’ll listen more actively.

But conversations devolve into half-hearted nods or distracted replies.

3. I’ll show you I care.

But physical touch or words of appreciation never come.

4. I’ll work on my habits that hurt us.

But patterns like defensiveness or avoidance remain unexamined.

Broken promises don’t just stem from malice or neglect. Sometimes, they arise from over-promising due to guilt, or the simple overwhelm of life. But their impact is significant because they erode the sense of safety couples need to thrive.

Reflecting on the Promises We Break

As 2025 begins, couples can use this opportunity to reflect - not in a spirit of blame but in one of shared accountability. Below are steps to help partners reconnect with their intentions and turn broken promises into pathways for growth:

1. Take an Honest Inventory

Begin by asking, What promises have I made to my partner that I have not been keeping?

• Did I promise to communicate more openly but still shut down in difficult conversations?

• Did I commit to supporting my partner’s goals but still prioritize my own?

• Did I pledge to share household responsibilities but still fall short?

It may be helpful to write these down individually and share them during a calm, non-defensive moment. Focus on mutual growth, not blame.

2. Understand the Impact

When a promise is broken, it’s not just about the action but the message it sends. For example, failing to follow through on prioritizing couple time might communicate, You’re not as important to me as other things. Discuss openly:

• How do these broken promises make each partner feel?

• How have they shaped the current dynamics in the relationship?

Empathy is essential here. Listen to each other’s perspectives without rushing to justify or defend.

3. Recommit with Realism

The heart of addressing broken promises is creating new ones that are intentional and attainable. Don’t get caught up in big, sweeping statements like, I’ll never forget our date nights ever again. Instead, focus on specific, actionable steps:

• I’ll silence my phone during dinner so we can talk uninterrupted.

• I’ll look into getting a sitter for Saturday night.

Discuss what each partner needs to feel reassured and what accountability will look.

4. Build Trust Through Consistency

Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. It’s the result of small, consistent efforts. Some practices to help follow through on promises include:

• Set reminders: Use shared calendars or sticky notes to keep commitments visible.

• Check in regularly: Schedule a weekly check-in to discuss how you’re doing with your promises.

• Celebrate progress: Acknowledge small wins. If you’ve managed to carve out 30 minutes for connection amid a hectic week - yah!

5. Seek Support When Needed

For some couples, unkept promises may reflect deeper patterns or unresolved conflicts. In these cases, working with a couples therapist can help unpack these dynamics and create actionable solutions. Therapy offers a safe space to explore why some promises are challenging to keep and how to overcome these challenges together.

A New Vision for the New Year

Revisiting broken promises isn’t about dwelling in guilt or self-criticism. It’s about learning to honor the commitments that matter most – to the one who matters most. When couples take the time to repair and recommit, they cultivate deeper trust and connection. It’s the difference between “starting over” and “starting again with intention.”

The beauty of relationships lies not in perfection but in persistence—the willingness to show up, even when it’s hard.

So as the calendar turns, consider letting this New Year’s resolution be a reflective one. Don’t just ask, What promises will we make? Ask, What promises will we honor?